The Complete Honesty Technique

By Tan Ming Chin

Why we need to talk it out

Most of us know the urge to rant. After a hard experience, we feel pulled to tell someone about it, often at length and with feeling. Why does that urge arise so naturally?

I suspect the body knows something needs to come out. Yet at other times, we would rather not talk at all. Perhaps the body also senses that some ways of letting things out could leave us more distressed, not less.

If we pay close attention to our bodily sensations after ranting, I often see one of three outcomes:

1. We feel better, but not completely. The job wasn't done cleanly, so some distress remains.
2. We feel worse. Talking about the event turns out to be distressing in itself.
3. We hold back. We become self-conscious in front of our listener and leave our rawest thoughts unsaid.

Talking it out is healthy. But how we talk it out matters.

Talk it out, but be honest

In his bestselling book Radical Honesty, psychotherapist Brad Blanton argues that much of our suffering comes from not being honest with ourselves, and that our pain eases when we stop lying. He challenges readers to admit their most embarrassing truths, including the thoughts they consider morally or socially unacceptable.

The more we deny how we really think and feel, the harder those thoughts and feelings push back. That internal struggle can blow negative thoughts out of proportion until they start to run our lives.

Over years of practice and refinement, I developed the Complete Honesty technique. The idea is to notice distress as sensations in the body, then discharge it thoroughly by putting it into words.

The technique, step by step

1. List every emotion that applies. Bring the event to mind and name all the feelings connected to it. An emotion wheel can help with emotional vocabulary. It is easy to miss emotions running quietly but swept under the rug - the ones we have tucked away because we don't want to have them. I notice there are two types of emotions we tend to tuck away or deny: unacceptable emotions, and illogical emotions.

• Unacceptable: "I feel jealous of my child who got to live the life I always wanted but didn't get to do. How can I be jealous of my own child!" It feels shameful or detestable to have these feelings, and we judge ourselves before we even have the chance to give them a voice.
• Illogical: "I feel guilty towards my ex who cheated on me." It feels illogical, but it usually has a reason running in the background - we tuck them deeper and deeper instead of giving them a chance to be voiced out and discharged.

If you notice either kind, add them to the list of identified emotions anyway.

2. Choose the strongest emotion of those identified and scan for it in your body. Notice it as a negative energy - the angry energy, the sad energy, and so on. Notice where you sense it in specific parts of your body, and how it is distressing those parts. Be thorough, and take the stance of an observer.

3. Channel that emotion's energy up to your vocal cords. Imagine that energy travelling from where you found it, into your throat. Gather it at your vocal cords. Notice which part of your throat vibrates or tightens as words begin to form from the sheer energy of that emotion.

4. Speak the distress out. Say as much as you can about why you feel this emotion about the event. As you speak, notice the distress leaving with your breath. This is the step that separates the technique from ordinary ranting, so take care not to skip it. When you run out of words, scan your body again for any remaining energy. Let more words come as you sense it leaving with your breath. Repeat until the release feels complete.

5. Move on to the next emotion. Repeat the process for each emotion on your list. I usually start with the strongest emotion, then the "unacceptable" one if there is one, then the rest.

Go at your own pace

You are in charge of the pace. If an emotion feels too intense, or the scan brings up overwhelming memories, pause. Open your eyes, feel your feet on the floor, and return later or with less of the material at once. For traumatic experiences, this work is best done with a trained therapist rather than alone.

Acknowledge, and be thorough

Speaking your raw thoughts aloud does not mean you endorse them. Voicing an urge will not make you act on it. Running away from your distress tends to make you feel worse, and denial makes certain thoughts and emotions argue back more strongly.

Will discharging eliminate pain? Maybe not. But it can bring more relief. Life will have its ups and downs, and we are all here to learn to endure them better.

Originally published on LinkedIn on 3 November 2021. Revised and expanded for ICPA in October 2026.